Tales from Lincolnshire

Published on 22 October 2024 at 08:48

The Legend of Ten Pint Smith

On the eastern edge of the picturesque Lincolnshire Wolds is the charming market town of Louth, where legend states there once lived a man named John Smith, more commonly known as Six-Pint Smith. He acquired this curious nickname because everyday at noon twelve half-pints of beer were lined up on the pub bar, and on each stroke of the church clock he drank one half-pint, consuming all twelve within the time it took the church bell to stop chiming. 

One day at Louth Fair a peddler goaded John Smith to a drinking contest. Smith happily accepted, and drank two more pints after his usual six. The peddler then said he would giveaway his wares to Smith, if Smith could drink ten pints of beer and climb the impressive tall steeple of St James Church. Smith responded by downing two more pints, then removed his coat and handed it into the care of the peddler. Six-Pint Smith began to climb the outer wall of the church towards the tall steeple, aware if he fell it would be to a certain death, but despite being drunk he survived the climb, and placed his hat on the weather vane on the steeple peak. 

Back on the ground, elated, and keen to collect his winnings, John went in search of the peddler. But the peddler was nowhere to be found, along with Smith's jacket and money. All the peddler left behind was the unpaid bar tab - it had all been a cruel swindle.

From that day forward, Six-Pint Smith became known as Ten-Pint Smith, and his hat perched  on the tall church spire became a target for many a drunken bet. 


The Lincoln Imp 

A long time ago, deep below ground, where the scorching fires of hell burned, the devil was feeling mischievous - more so than normal. He decided to release his legion of imps, ordering them to wreak havoc above ground, amongst Christian England.

The naughty little imps arrived in Chesterfield, Derbyshire. In the centre of town, they perched on St Marys Church spire, and twisted and twisted it until it was permanently crooked. Quickly becoming bored, they travelled east to Lincoln, and its minster, that stands at the pinnacle of the city; a magnificent building that was consecrated in the 11th century.

The roguish imps barrelled their way through the large wooden door, made of strong English oak. They crashed and smashed anything they could lay their hands on, destroying statues, breaking windows, and snubbing out candles. Even the dean was shoved to the floor. Desperate to save their place of worship, the monks that lived there, prayed to God for help.

Shortly after, an angel appeared, clothed in whit and shrouded in light. The angel commanded the imps to return to hell, or be turned to stone, by the large flaming sword the angel was carrying in its hand. Surprisingly, all the imps did as they were ordered (the devil must have been so ashamed) and loudly scampered out of the cathedral. Just one disobeyed, hurling debris and insults. One more time the angel warned the imp to leave, and then, with a mighty swish of his sword the angel turned the devil's imp to stone, where it stands today in the east end of the cathedral, perched high up on a pillar, glaring down at worshippers in the Angels Choir. The imps that escaped returned to hell, all but one, that is rumoured to be in Grimsby.


Fan O the Fens

There once was a beautiful woman named Fanny, who would become known as Fan O' the Fens. She lived with her widowed mother, in a cottage, near the market town of Louth.

It was no secret Fanny's mother was a woman who liked to to complain. One day the cantankerous old woman lamented about a magpie, that followed her day and night, and copied her every word in that 'chatter, chatter, chattering' way that magpies do. Concerned for her mothers welfare, Fanny consulted a wiseman, who listened to her story and then said,

"your mother has been bewitched, devil worship is in our midst."

He ordered Fanny to invite everyone who lived in the area to her house the next morning, and he would arrive at 11am to expose the witch. 

The next day, as instructed, Fanny spent the morning opening the door to visitors, until there was barely room for the wiseman, who as promised arrived at 11am. As he squeezed in through the crowd of people the wiseman spotted a cat asleep on the hearth.

"When the cat awakes he will sit on the lap of whoever is guilty of bewitching Fanny's mother," he said.

All the noise and chatter in the room soon roused the sleeping cat, who stretched, wandered over to Fanny and jumped up onto her knee for some fuss. The room gasped in shock, and then everyone made their excuses to leave. Even Fanny's fiancé, Jimmy abandoned her.

Now Jimmy was a man who needed the love of a woman, and quickly became betrothed to another. As the wedding drew near Jimmy became increasingly overweight. Fearful his suit wouldn't fit, or worse still, his future bride would refuse to marry him, Jimmy consulted a wizard. Just like the wiseman before him the wizard said,

"you have been bewitched, devil worship is in our midst."

The wizard said the culprit would reveal itself shrouded in flames.

On the long walk home Jimmy passed Fanny's house. As he did the door suddenly flung open, and Fanny came running out screaming - her clothes on fire. The wizards words resonated in Jimmy's ear, and instead of stopping to help, Jimmy ran off shouting.

"Witch! Witch! Witch!"

Fanny jumped into the stream to extinguish the flames, but she was badly burnt - scarred for life.

After that day Jimmy began to lose weight, and when his wedding day arrived his suit fitted perfectly - not a single button popped off. 

Fanny was now shunned by her neighbours, who were convinced she was a witch; everybody had a story to tell, that proved it. One such neighbour claimed he tried to pass her house on horseback, but the animal refused to move. The angry neighbour muttered obscenities about witches, and then made a hasty retreat, when he realised Fanny was watching and listening. Shortly after, the neighbour became gravely ill. Fearful for the man's health, his family called upon an alchemist, who visited the patient at home. After a thorough examination, the alchemist said what both the wizard and the wiseman had said before him.

"You have been bewitched, devil worship is in our midst."

He asked the sick man's family for a bowl of milk, which he placed beside the patient and used it to coax a large snake from within the man's belly.

The man made a full recovery, but enough was enough - Fanny's fate was sealed. Everybody decided it was time to prove Fan O' the Fens communed with the devil and punish her. They believed she went out on a full moon, to a nearby marsh, where the devil would be waiting. They needed to catch her in the act, but only a wiseman could witness this event, as anybody else would be sure to die within the year. 

The man best equipped to meet the devil was the wiseman who Fanny had consulted about a magpie following her mother. He agreed to track her movements, on the next full moon, after sunset.

What he witnessed chilled him to the bone. From within Fanny's house he heard the cackle of witches. The window opened, and led by Fanny, the witches flew out on broomsticks. Once they had all disappeared into the night, the wiseman entered the house, where he quickly established they had been casting spells, worshipping the devil, and undertaking all manner of witchy behaviour. He went outside and concealed himself behind a bush, where he waited for Fanny and her coven of witches. 

The night passed and the sun began to rise before the women returned home. The wiseman barely waited for the front door to close before he barged in to Fanny's house, but the other witches and any sign of witchcraft had vanished. That didn't spare Fanny from being put on trial. She was dragged down to the river, where the strongest men in the area threatened to drown her if she didn't confess, which she did. Ironically her punishment was drowning, but she managed to break free from the mob, disappeared into the Lincolnshire countryside, and was never seen again. You can decide if Fanny Fan O' the Fens was indeed a witch or simply persecuted like so many women before and after her. 

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